Mystical love

Drugs: Ayahuasca
Dose: 2 X 50 ml, half an hour apart
Bodyweight: 80 kg

In the summer of 2004 I had my first ayahuasca experience in the Santo Daime church. The trip really helped me get through a tough period in my life and has blessed me eversince, although I am not a religious person myself. It was very unsettling and yet very comforting.
After a lot of studying the effects of Ayahuasca from books (I am a very cautious person, hesitant to rush myself into things), I decided to take it. I did it at the local Santo Daime church together with about 60 others, about 15 of which where new to it like me. The others where regular consumers. The church itself was very bright, lots of candles and lots of space. At the time I was kind of sad. I was in love with this girl, she was in love with me, but she had a boyfriend for 4 years and decided to stay with him. I was devastated by this and she really hurt my feelings.

I fasted before the trip for about 8 hours. Only took a thin soup 5 hours before and plenty of water. Sexual abstention for 2 days prior and after, as recommended.The ceremony started at around 7 pm, it was summer so it was still light outside. It began by singing some hymns (icaros) to Mary, Jesus and God. Then there were two rounds of consumption of Ayahuasca. I am (was) not a religious person myself, but it all seemed very sacred. This could of course be my interpretation. After the first round (the fluid tasted like VERY bad wine, very sour, the after-taste is awful) there were already people throwing up. The singing and music was amplified and after about 15 minutes there was a second round. We returned to our positions and started singing again. After a while I wasn’t really able to stand up anymore. I sat down and continued to sing along. The songs seemed very beautiful, I could touch upon their meaning more directly. After some time I felt I was gonna throw up. I bolted for the door to the bathroom. One of the more experienced people was coming after me to see if I were okay. I actually didn’t make it to the bathroom and was sitting in the hallway of the church about 4 meters from it. The other person said to me that I shouldn’t go in there and that instead I could lie down in the church on a mat. He helped me get there and covered me with a blanket.

Then I started to experience visual augmentations to the lights in the church. They seemed to get more vivid, like they were right at the outside of my eyeball. Sort of like candles when you stare in them for a couple of minutes. They also moved along with the singing and the music. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any more, because there were too many things to deal with. I tried a couple of times, but decided to close them almost right away. With my eyes closed, lying on the church-floor, I saw all kinds of geometric shapes pulling me in the direction of my third eye (which I naturally assumed was there, contrary to dailylife) I started to experience things I never thought about. For me this was a sign there was actually something coming from outside of me. I experienced all kinds of animals: a tucan, an alligator, a puma, a bull. I felt what it was like to BE these animals. I felt what it was like to fly through the jungle like a tucan. Eyes looking at opposite sides, I felt what it was like to crawl on the land and slip into the water like an alligator, I felt what it was like to sneak upon a prey like a puma, I felt the energy of a bull, the interplay between hot and cold energy.

Then I was able to focus my attention a little bit more on the state of my life. I thought of all my friends, my brother, my mother, my father (whom I don’t see any more) and of course the girl I was in love with. I sensed so much love inside me and how I was unable to express it in daily life. I thought of these people and tears were running down my cheeks. I opened my eyes and another person was watching me as I lay there. He said: ‘it’s a strong trip for you, isn’t it?’ and all I could say is that it was sooooo beautiful. I closed my eyes again and was dancing in my mind. I saw all that was good and that all was good. I experienced a kind of love I never experienced, love from God or the all, that was channeled through me to the world. I knew that everybody has this same thing and we ought to keep ourselves clear to become better channels. I felt immense gratitude for the life I had.

After about two or three hours of the trip, I started to think again of animals, exploring the universe (I could more or less navigate wherever I wanted, seeing things hidden just by thinking of them). I experienced what it was like to be buried after death. Then I experienced what it was like to become one with the earth around me, experiencing worms and other insects eating on me body and as being me in a certain future. It didn’t feel negative at all, it was rather interesting and certainly positive. It showed me the circle of life.

Someone came to me and said: ‘We are coming to an end here, you should try and go back to your seat.’, I felt nothing but love for the people around me and decided it was time to return to ‘reality’, so that I could share it with them. I went to my seat and sat down. Everybody was standing up. I tried to and managed barely. I was a bit shaky still. Someone came to hold my hand. I felt an immense amount of energy in it. After two three minutes I felt really nauseous and rushed for the bathroom. This time I threw up more than I had consumed that day. I felt like a dog, heaving, emptying my stomach, which was contracting violently. The man came after me and gave me a bucket instead of the toilet I was embracing. I sat there as the ceremony finished. Throughout the throwing up I noticed that I was getting rid off a lot of negative energy in my body. It was as if I could start with a clean slate after this.

The next day I felt completely clean. I was very tired, but full of positive energy. For days after I felt really alive. I couldn’t think of anything sad without thinking of something positive as well. I had some lucid dreams and some precognitive dreams in which I saw my life unfold. I decided not to take ayahuasca for a long while. The thought of the taste really made me sick for a couple of months. It has been over a year and a half since, and I am planning on doing it again in spring. It was a very intense, life-altering experience, but for me it is not something to do every month or so.