My first 4 ayahuasca experiences have been pretty intense, beginning with my first just over a week ago now.. The first was hard but very healing, i had no control over how i´m feeling obviously and was sent into an emotional ride for 3 to 4 hours.. I was pulling crazy fucking faces, poking my tongue out and wriggling around on the floor like a mad man. i cried about shit, held my cancer scar and rocked around, crying some more.. i was sending love home in my mind to my parents and friends and was basically all over the place with no control of how i felt or what it i did.. It was hard but difficult to go through and i wondered what i really got out of it..
The second came a couple of days later, where again i was thrown into something i have no control over (this is always the case – ayahuasca decides what your experience is gonna be like, the drinker has no call in it), so this time i was in the middle of hell, scared out of my head, never experienced fear like this before in my life!! surrounded by dark forces and a ghostly world, i was in the middle of ayahuasca world for sure and it was supernatural to as hell, i SCREAMED out loud on three occasions, i cried and cried, i purged and purged (puked) loads and shit myself over and over !! ha, i was in a bloody hell of a state. All the time, again, pulling lots of faces, rolling around, poking my tongue out.. … ..
I was so scared by it, so out of touch with reality as a result of it that i left the jungle to come back into iquitos for the night, taking with me all my shitty clothes to get to a laundry. A shit journey from the retreat when you´re in this state and catching a ten seater mini bus with 22 fucking people fitted on there, banging out 100 mph down a 50 km road, it feels like there´s an accident about to happen every 5 minutes.. Anywayz, the next day, getting the balls together to return was a bit easier than i thought. i had read so much before coming here and knew that if the drinker has a lot of issues or has been through lots of traumer that the first few would be extremely hard but thats where all the healing happens so to speak..
So, i returned and got ready for my third one. This one was much better, having the usual dots, colours and patterns beneath my eye lids and the hut taking on a very other worldly vibe, i was able to work through it easier, had some nice insights about my life and went through the motions but felt a lot more positive.. After coming down from it, i felt extreme joy and happiness, amazing body feelings and laughter…. .. tidy, i thought, even though i had shit myself again !!
So, then it was two nights ago i had my 4th experience and was feeling brave and thought it might be worth taking the offer of a second dose when offered (this is offered every ceremony). The first dose had me laying on my back in perfect peace, breathing very slowly, watching patterns all around the hut and seeing a blanket of faint colour come over me, all cool stuff, out of it, in a dreamy trippy way… So, when the second dose came around, i took it and was launched into major ayahuasca territory, tossing around on the floor back to face pulling and tongue out moves, shitting myself and puking, intense patterns before me and beneath my eye lids and extremely worrying that the feeling will last all night!! Walking outside the hut in a complete mess, not being able to take the noise of others anymore purging in the darkness of the hut… I was shown to my cabin where i was in fear of what it may be like in there and when i entered, it all sort of left me and i was able to relax into the aftermath of it, never have i experienced so much joy and love as i did at this stage, I was in my room for two hours talking to myself and singing and whistling like a mentalist and sending shit loads of love home, to everyone in my life, shouting “muchos gracias ayahuasca” love love love love love. i can´t explain what this was like, i just wanted to tell it as it is and as it happened… so, i had a ball over those two hours, feeling the love and joy for all i have back home waiting for me.
The whole time in the retreat, i was on a dieta of plants too, taking wild garlic tea everyday as it´s meant to encourage lucid dreaming after the experiences and it certainly did. i dreamt of nothing but home all the time and lots of my experiences on aya´has been about home and the biggest message to come out of this so far, is to love everything i have back home as i realise i have loads of good stuff going on. I never used to like home, travelling all the time, thinking the grass is always greener constantly through my twenties and still wanting more in my thirties.. It´s a subtle message as they all are on aya´and i´m sure i have some more on the way with the drinking i have planned over the next couple of weeks but right now, i´m really happy to feel the way i do, i feel great by the way, i feel cleansed completely and my eyes have never looked so white in years. i feel healthy and strong and super positive!! It really only began to feel like a medicine to me on the third one and it seems that everything i have read is right about this plant. it has a way of showing you stuff, forcing you to feel stuff and reflect on stuff….
No huge visions as yet but i have felt a presence behind me on numerous occasions and seen ghostly human like figures outside the hut and felt completely like i´m in another world being shown only as much as i can take this far and not the full hog.. who knows what ahead. i have san pedro lined up to, a softer experience on the cactus but a longer one of 14 hours…. healings & teachings, visions & light